[DL] Humour: Failed Reckoner Creatures

[Soothsprayer <hercubadger@yahoo.com>]

If you're not supposed to know of the creatures
inhabiting the Weird West (be they real or imaginary),
read no more.










Los Diablos Pintos

The Reckoners may be as evil as warm beer during
summer, but they're not without a sense of humour.
Sometimes their creations are "oooh scary" as in the
Hanging Judges. Other times their creations can only
be summed up by "geeze man."

Case in point, Los Diablos Pintos. The Scourge of the
West, the Nasty Moment of the West, the Rather Kind of
Bad Thing of the East, and the Whoa Man Moment of the
South. 

The Los Diablos Pintos take the form of a tan horse of
the four legged variety. Harmless in exterior, they
appear only as evil as Jerry Springer, the Los Diablos
Pintos contain a heart of pure undiluted evil. Well,
kind of evil. It's more a form of pettiness but that
can seem like evil on a really bad day. 

The shock factor of Los Diablos Pintos comes not from
their mundane appearance but instead from their
inexplicable behaviour of exploding at a moments
notice. The slightest kinetic impact against a Los
Diablos Pintos will cause the entire beast to explode
with the force of a large outwardly expanding fiery
thing. The impact may be the weight of a rotund
sheriff's buttocks upon the Los Diablos Pintos'
flanks, or it could be naught more than a rather
gentle breeze. The cause itself is moot when compared
to the sudden immolation suffered by the beast.

The Reckoners were wise with their choice of weapon.
What would create more fear than to be terrorised by
seemingly normal equine creatures exploding in ways
seemingly normal equine creatures were never meant to
do on God's clean earth! Towns would be bought to a
standstill as cowpokes (or cow-pokers if you hail from
Australia) shut themselves behind blast proof doors in
case "Trigger" lived up to his name in more ways than
one.

No town felt the rage of Los Diablos Pintos more than
Dry Heave, Arizona. Dry Heave (population 633 and a
half) was the home of Augusta Cramp'often, renowned
Austrian inventor and eccentric. Augusta had just
bench tested his most impressive invention as of yet -
the steam powered leaf blower. No more would tumble
weeds inflict their mindless terror against innocent
garden growers. No more would insidious leafy trees
wreak carnage upon properly groomed lawns. No, no
more. For Augusta had perfected his leaf blower into
an Agricultural Weapon of Awesome Destruction (AWAD).

Unfortunately, the day Augusta had chosen to
demonstrate the latest in area effect wind movement
devices, the Los Diablos Pintos herd entered town. At
the flick of a switch, three levers, the lighting of a
pilot fire, stoking of the seven different combustion
chambers, continual swearing in Austrian against the
crimes committed by incompetent overpriced
blacksmiths, and the fine adjustment of no less than
five different knobs and gauges, Augusta displayed the
true might of his tool against an offending pile of
general litter. With a mightily underwhelming gust of
wind the pile of litter was thrown forth into the
Heavens (if Heaven was in fact located around a metre
and a half off the ground) straight towards the herd
of Los Diablos Pintos.

Enraged by the unprovoked attack of barely moving
vegetation and paper against their flanks, the Los
Diablos Pintos erupted in a glorious display of "When
Good Chemicals Go Bad." The fireball could be
witnessed from as far away as Nasty Flu, Texas and
could be heard from even Bugger me, Nevada.

No trace was ever found of the town other than
suspicious looking scorch marks and a rather
impressive sized hole in the ground. Of Los Diablos
Pintos, even the Reckoners realised this idea wasn't
going anywhere so they turned to other avenues of
approach. Perhaps something involving cows.......



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