Re: [HOE] Saints

["Nick Zachariasen" <zacharin@pluto.dsu.edu>]

> Johnny Knoxville and his ilk were brief servators for Pestilence.
However:
> 1)Johnny couldn't resist trying to jump a Mojave Rattler in a shopping
cart
> (and failed).
> 2)Steve-O tried to put one of Stone's "Badges" on a region that I won't
> speak of here.  Needless to say, that didn't work out too well either.
> 3)The Fat Guy and the Midget (since I don't know their names or anyone
else
> for that matter.) were promptly snatched away by Raven and added to his
army
> (of what? depends on what you know)

Amusing, but no, though I can see the Steve-O bit working with the provision
that Stone actually let him and laughed as he watched him go through with
it,following up with ripping the badge out. Here's something I came up with
(players might wanna git in case your Marshal actually uses this):

Johnny Knoxville
minor Servitor of Pestilence

"Yeah, <bleep>ed up, ain't it? I'm over a hundred years old and I don't look
a day over 35. To top it off, I heal like a mother<bleep>er, too. It's like
I'm one a' them <bleep>in' Highlander guys or some <bleep> like that. What?
Yeah, I *should* look <bleep>in' familiar, I'm Johnny <bleep>in' Knoxville,
star of stage, screen, and <bleep>. Yeah, I know, I do some sick and stupid
<bleep>, but it's what my fans wanna see. Just watch this and you'll be
hooked."

Johnny Knoxville began making his living in the late 1900s as a shock
entertainer, performing idiotic stunts that mostly involved personal injury
(or risk thereof), nudity, and/or human waste. The first episode of his
brief but popular television show featured him being turned upside down in a
port-a-potty. It also showed things like Johnny getting a colonic irrigation
and a man snowboarding naked. Johnny and his associates served to do nothing
for the human race, but they definitely did something *to* the human race.
Until both American governments finally passed regulations preventing
Johnny's particular brand of "entertainment" from being shown on television,
Knoxville and company served to destroy the minds of people everywhere just
by exposing them to their utter stupidity. Worse still, many of the
already-dumbest among the audience actually tried to mimic the thing
depicted on the show (despite several disclaimers saying not so- really says
something, don't it?). This mass destruction of minds eventually caught the
attention of Pestilence, who found it absolutely delightful that just a few
people, led by one particularly idiotic man, could do so much to harm the
collective intellect of millions of people. Therefore, Pestilence decided to
make Knoxville a lesser Servitor. He lives on today, perpetuating his
jackassery for the entertainment of those whose minds he leaves poisoned.

Johnny's stats
Corporeal     D: 3d6, N: 3d8, S: 3d6, Q: 4d6, V: 3d10
Throwin': balanced, unbalanced 2d6, Climbin' 2d8, Drivin': skateboard 4d8,
Fightin': brawlin' 1d8, Swimmin': 1d8, Chuggin' 2d10*
Mental         C: 3d6, K: 2d6, M: 4d12+4, Sm: 1d4, Sp: 3d8
Language: English 2d6, Performin': creative idiocy 5d12+4, Performin':
guitar 3d12+4 Ridicule 2d4

*His showstopper lately (the last year or so) has been to chug a gallon of
human excrement in under a minute). He rarely succeeds, but it tends to go
over well with the audience.
Size: 6 (9 for damage purposes)
Wind: 18 (can only be lost during a stunt)
Special
Fearless
Regeneration: Johnny regenerates 1 Wound every 2 rounds in a random
location.
Brain robber: Whenever Johnny finishes a performance, have him make a
Performin' roll against the audience's average Spirit and against each
individual posse member. If Johnny gets a raise he makes the entire
audience's Smarts drop a step to a minimum of 1d4.
Sidekicks: If he gets at least two raises against the audience, Johnny
enthralls someone therein, who begins to follow him around and become a
sidekick, of sorts, with the poor sap's Smarts dropping to 1d4. He gets an
additional thrall for every two raises. A posse member takes three raises to
enthrall. This thrall watches Johnny for two or three performances, after ea
ch of which they get another roll to break free of Johnny's influence, and
then usualy tries to perform some sort of stunt of his or her own, usually
getting (probably fatally) sick, maimed, or killed in the process. Johnny's
gotten used to losing sidekicks, so his eulogies usually consist of
something like "He died as I lived- a complete <bleep>in' moron. Oh, well,
life goes on. Who wants to swim in some <bleep>?" Those who care about the
lost thrall see it as a sacrifice in the name of entertainment until about a
day after Johnny leaves town.
Weakness: The only way to strip Johnny of his powers is to outdo him, and do
so spectacularly. He may have gotten swallowed up when he tried to jump a
Mojave Rattler in only a shopping cart, but he got crapped out later anyway.
He mooned a Bloodwolf, who just tore him to ribbons and went on to slaughter
almost the entire rest of the settlement. He used his penis to fish for
zombies in the Deadpool. Be warned, it's not going to be easy to top what
he's done. Your brainer is going to have to sink to the bottom levels of
human depravity and let off a depth charge of stupidity just so he can dive
deeper to beat the Jackass. Also, upon his death all his thralls are freed
and everyone who's lost Smarts to him in the last month gets it back.
Coup: If more than one person is trying to get Johnny's Coup, each should
make a Smarts roll. Whoever gets the lowest total loses a step in Smarts
permanently. Whoever gets the highest total (or the only person if there's
only one) gains the ability to regenerate 1 wound level a day with a Hard
(9) Vigor roll.

Gear: acoustic guitar, sunglasses, 2 weeks of food, a van, 40 gallons of
fuel in the van, and whatever he needs for his next performance- the gear
just happens to be in his van

Description: Johnny Knoxville appears to be entirely human. He once had two
buses crash together head-on with him in the middle, and he just regenerated
from it without so much as a scratch remaining on him. Just look him up on
the web and you'll find more or less what he looks like in Hell on Earth,
though he's frequently dressed in some outlandish outfit for whatever
moronic stunt he's got planned.


Nick Zachariasen
Editor Emeritus
Trojan Times