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<FONT COLOR="#ff00ff" SIZE=7>B i z a r r e !</FONT><FONT COLOR="#000000"
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Hello, and welcome to Bizarre!. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
After an 11-hour standoff in South River, New Jersey, police finally
persuaded three family members to come out of their apartment lined entirely
with aluminum foil. The family told police that the foil was to keep out
"moonbeams and rays from the outer planets..."
When best friends Jamie Moody and Timothy Dodge of Oregon got into a
heated argument, Moody grabbed a shotgun in hopes of "intimidating" Dodge into
settling down. Instead, Dodge put the barrel of the shotgun in his mouth and
"dared his friend to shoot." He did. According to reports, the two were
arguing over who was the better clamdigger...
Three Texas men are in federal court on charges of conspiring to
assassinate President Clinton and other government officials. Their plans,
revealed last month in court documents, included producing botulism toxin from
"chicken livers, chicken hearts and green beans with a little dirt," then
shooting poison-tipped thorns from modified cigarette lighters to kill their
intended victims..." and y'all are from what planet, again?
An Arizona man says his relationship with a 13-year-old Mesa girl is
perfectly acceptable because he is a witch. Nathan Shoecraft maintains that
his Wiccan religious beliefs "allow him to have sex" with the minor girl.
Other Arizona Wiccans disagree, and claim that Shoecraft is giving witches
everywhere a bad name...
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When a 911 dispatcher in Bethel, Connecticut got a call and heard only
silence on the line, four police officers, paramedics and an ambulance were
immediately dispatched. At the scene, they found an empty house-- except for a
parrot, and a phone off the hook...
A schoolteacher walked into the police station in Kampala, Uganda and
demanded to be shot. "Can't you just get a gun and shoot me?" begged Hamidou
Namoyo, who was upset over losing his job. Officers reportedly told him he was
"speaking to the wrong department" and shooed him away...down the hall, to
your left...
Hallmark spam: after Craig Shergold was diagnosed with brain cancer at
age 9, he received a world-record 33 million get-well cards with the help of
the Children's Wish Foundation in Atlanta. Ten years later, Craig's cancer is
gone, but the cards just keep coming. It's not that he's ungrateful. Craig
credits the "upliftment" from all the cards for his recovery. But after
receiving 250 million cards and letters, he just wants it to stop... I'm sick
to death of all this mail...
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Admitting his 0-4 record is not impressive "on paper," trainers announced
that "Lucky," a German shepherd guide dog for the blind in Wuppertal Germany,
is available for his fifth owner. Lucky led his first owner in front of a bus,
and the second off the end of a pier. He nudged his third owner off a railway
platform in front of the Cologne-to-Frankfurt Express. And he walked his
fourth owner into heavy traffic, abandoning him to be hit and killed. The new
owner won't be told of Lucky's record - they say the dog might sense
nervousness and "do something silly..."
A man identified only as Mr. Humphrey jumped off a 7-story riverside
parking garage in Norwich, England. According to friends, Mr. Humphrey had "a
passion" for jumping off bridges and other high places. Pacing along a ledge
before he jumped, he called down to police officers to ask how deep the water
was. Apparently, he didn't hear the answer: three feet...
When Milwaukee police arrested a driver on a traffic violation, he kept
insisting they had the wrong man. Ernest Hickles repeatedly told police that
it was his brother, Earnest Hickles, who was wanted on several warrants. After
six days in jail, police released Ernest, realizing they already had his
brother Earnest in another cell. Hickles' grandmother blamed their mother for
the confusion. "She gave both kids the same name because she didn't want
anyone to know she had another baby..."
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Three sisters in Davie, Florida say they'll sue the Broward County
Sheriff's Office on a complaint of police brutality. But witnesses say the
girls-- a 16-year-old and 15-year-old twins-- ganged up on Deputy Eric
Caldwell and "beat him with their platform shoes..." disco lives...
Police in Ft. Lauderdale are pretty sure they've got their man in a rape
and robbery investigation. They say that Ken Willis left his keys at the crime
scene. When police went to his home, the keys fit the lock. When they arrested
Willis, he was wearing socks on his hands... if it doesn't fit, you must
acquit...
After installing a new $917,000 security system at the Redwood City Hall
of Justice, officials announced that "anything resembling a weapon would be
confiscated." Hours later, deputies got their first catch-- a bread making
machine. Officials were quick to point out that "it had wires and a timer..."
and it was set all the way to "mix..."
After eight months, police in Paola, Kansas still had no leads in the
child molestation case of two young children- until one of the girls spotted
the man on a television game show. Matthew Fenwick won $4,400 on Wheel of
Fortune, but it won't cover his $50,000 bail... I'd like to buy a clue...
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A Michigan jury awarded $200,000 to a 27-year-old man who claimed that an
automobile accident turned him into a homosexual. The man's attorney told
jurors that after the accident, the man moved back home with his parents and
started hanging around gay bars... must have been a rear-end collision...
Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the gene pool: Darwin
Coates of Pasadena, Maryland accidentally shot himself in the groin with a
.22 caliber handgun. While he was on the floor, his cousin, Gregory Johnson,
took the gun away and stuck it in his pants. It went off again...
When the owners of a gas station in Baltimore County, Maryland arrived at
work Monday, they discovered an automatic teller machine had disappeared
overnight. The thieves were caught on security camera videotape, but police
have no leads. The robbers were all wearing garbage bags over their heads...
let's hope nobody suffocates in the lineup...
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A New Jersey man is suing Pfizer Inc., claiming that Viagra made him
crash his car. Used car salesman Joseph Moran of Colonia claims that "blue
vision," one of the known side effects of the drug, distracted him while
driving, causing him to hit a tree and two parked cars. Moran also says he saw
blue streaks "shoot out from his fingers" as he reached to remove an
audiocassette... cool, do that again...
A Wisconsin man was arrested and charged with attempted murder after
attacking his father with a hatchet. Kenneth Kartman told police that he had
to kill his family to prove his college thesis. According to District Attorney
Jim Peterson, Kartman "believed that somewhere on the other side of the world,
there would be a mother who would be killing her young son and that this would
somehow bring the opposites into union and would in some way further the
development of mankind." Peterson described Kartman as "somebody who wasn't
thinking clearly at the time..." remember, kids, just say NO to college...
In a tragic case of mistaken identity, a man in Winnipeg, Canada had his
penis severed with a steak knife while he was sleeping. Police believe the man
was the victim of a mix-up involving another man and his ex-girlfriend.
Doctors are trying to repair the damage, but were unable to reattach the
severed article, despite "an intensive search by the Winnipeg police dog
unit..." bad dog...
That's Bizarre!, and remember, it's all true...
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Some comments from my loyal but somewhat disturbed readers this week:
"Nefarious."
"Oddly entertaining."
"Crammed with idiocy!"
"A delightful summer tonic."
"I admire your ability to get paid for this."
"My armpits smell like incense."
"I hate this town."
"You are Elvis incarnate."
"You people must be elegantly wasted."
"I'm low on estrogen and I'm holding a gun."
"Don't make me stab you."
"Now where did I put that pesky g-spot?"
"How often am I getting this?"
"No more catnip for you."
"Thanks for doing this weird job."
"Now I never have to leave the house again."
"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."
"To think, I used to question the 'Say NO to drugs' campaign."
"You're a commie, aren't you?"
"Thanks for helping me find my third eye."
"You are my favorite friend."
"The only news that matters!"
And the number one reader comment this week:
"Way too cool to be free."
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_______________________________________________
Contributors and Tipsters-- Thanks to:
liz-- Polly want an ambulance?
marktotten-- Wheel of Stupid
AM News Abuse-- Lucky the Wonder Dog
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