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[pyrnet] RE:What every woman wants for Christmas
Dear Santa:
I rarely ask for much. This
year is no exception. I don't need diamond
earrings, handy slicer-dicers or
comfy slippers. I only want one
little thing, and I want it
deeply.
I want to slap Martha Stewart.
Now, hear me out, Santa.
I won't scar her or draw blood or anything.
Just one good smack, right
across her smug little cheek. I get all
cozy inside just thinking about
it.
Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women
across
the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving
a
gift to us all.
Those of us leading average, garden variety lives
aren't concerned
with gracious living. We feel pretty good about ourselves
if our paper
plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style
for dinner.
We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces
from
hollyhock dipped in 18 carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid
gold.
Unless it's of the furniture polish variety.
We can't whip up
Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric.
Most of us can't even
say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do
with it.
OK, Santa,
maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet with
all the holiday
rush you didn't catch that interview with Martha in
last week's USA
Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough room on the
page for her
ego.
We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza
(she's
only ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold (No cold pizza?
Is
Martha Stewart Living?) When it was pointed out that she
could
microwave it, she replied, "I don't have a microwave." The
reporter,
Jeffrey Zaslow, noted that she said this "in a tone that suggests
you
shouldn't either."
Well, lah-dee-dah! Imagine that, Santa! That
lovely microwave you
brought me years ago, in which I've learned to make
complicated dishes
like popcorn and hot chocolate, has been declared
undesirable by Queen
Martha. What next? The coffee maker?
In the
article, we learned that Martha has forty sets of dishes
adorning an entire
wall in her home. Forty sets! Can you spell
"overkill"? And neatly put
away, no less. If my dishes make it to the
dishwasher, that qualifies as
"put away" in my house!
Martha tells us she's already making homemade
holiday gifts for
friends. "Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves
for everyone,"
she boasts. Not just scarves, mind you. Amazing scarves.
Martha's
obviously not shy about giving herself a little pat on the back.
In
fact, she does so with such frequency that one has to wonder if
her
back is black and blue.
She goes on to tell us that "homemaking
is glamour for the 90s", and
says her most glamorous friends are
"interested in stain removal, how
to iron a monogram, and how to fold a
towel."
I have one piece of advice, Martha: "Get new
friends."
Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past the
Greek
Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They
step
out for the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked away
by
tuxedoed chauffeurs. They do not spend their days pondering the
finer
art of toilet bowl sanitation.
Zaslow notes that Martha was
named one of America's 25 most
influential people by Time magazine (nosing
out Mother Theresa,
Madeline Albright and Maya Angelou, no
doubt).
The proof of Martha's influence: after she bought
white-fleshed
peaches in the supermarket, Martha says, "People saw me buy
them. In
an instant, they were all gone." I hope Martha never decides to
jump
off a bridge.
A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha
gets up early to
rollerblade with her dogs to pick fresh wild blackberries
for
breakfast. This confirms what I've suspected about Martha all
along:
She's obviously got too much time on her hands. Teaching the dogs
to
rollerblade! What a show off!
If you think the dogs are spoiled,
listen to how Martha treats her
friends. She gave one friend all 272 books
from the Knopf Everyman
Library. It didn't cost much. Pocket change,
really. Just $5,000. But
why price friendship, right?
When asked if
others should envy her, Martha replies, "Don't envy me.
I'm doing this
because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy
teachers, you should
listen to them." Zaslow must have slit a seam in
Martha's ego at this
point, because once the hot air came hissing
out,it couldn't be held back.
"Being an overachiever is nothing
despicable. It is only admirable. Never
lower your standards," says
Martha.
And of her Web Page on the
Internet, Martha declares herself an
"important presence" as she graciously
helps people organize their
sad, tacky little lives.
There you have
it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a
good smack, it's Martha
Stewart. But I bet I won't get my gift this year.
You probably want to
smack her yourself.
Sincerely,
********
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