BASIC RULES FOR DOGS WHO HAVE A YARD TO PROTECT
VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the
room, barking loudly and leap playfully on
this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying,
lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.
BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to
bark. So bark--- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear
you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are
sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human
than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective
bark, bark, bark...
LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before
licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your
human a towel.
HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting
your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice.
If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll
think it's gophers. There are never
enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this
problem.
DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for
the family dog to sleep.
THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty,
as the family dog, to accommodate them.
DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there
are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a
good time to practice
HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of
the house as possible.
GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk
with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your
humans have gone to bed.
PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the
flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.
CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never---
quite--- catch them. It spoils all the fun. ^,,^<
CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry.
...Eat a shoe.