[pyrnet] Let sleeping dogs lie

[June Campbell <jcampbell@law5.law.virginia.edu>]

Hi,
The following "instructions" are long but cute. I saw this on another list, 
where the source was given as the Neopolitan Mastiff newsletter, The 
Neogram. Fortunately, my two dogs sleep on the floor, and I have only to 
deal with multiple cats. Enjoy!
--June Campbell, Star the Pyr, Amos the Leo, and 13 cats

>"Let Sleeping Dogs Lie"
>
>I will address myself mostly to the rules for sleeping with two dogs.
>For the few who have already mastered this technique, I will later add a
>cat, although I urge beginners to leave the cat out.

>To achieve any sort of success, certain arbitrary conditions must be
>assumed, the first one being that you must have a king-sized bed.  There
>is no point in lying down in anything smaller.  While the size of the
>breed of dog is not important (people who sleep with dogs know that
>before the night is over everybody collects into a pile), the condition
>of the dogs may be important as very thin dogs, for example, are lumpier.
>I have selected the two dog minimum, because, as we shall see, it is the
>only way to stay in bed at all.  The key word here is LEVERAGE.  All dogs
>spend the night pressed tightly against their human bedfellows, but no
>two dogs ever sleep on the same side.  This is, in part, an expression of
>the "let sleeping dogs lie principle."  It is also to create leverage.

>Because the human being is always in the middle, held tightly in place
>by the dogs and by his blanket (which the dogs are sleeping on top of),
>restlessness and recurring cramps are difficult to handle.  Here is the
>tip:  When you first lie down, AND BEFORE THE DOGS SETTLE AGAINST EACH
>SIDE OF YOU, spread your legs three inches apart.  Stiffen and hold out
>NO MATTER HOW GREAT THE PRESSURE!  When the time comes to turn over,
>bring the legs together quickly before the now slightly slackened
>blanket, and revolve BEFORE THE DOGS WAKE UP!  As soon as you have
>assumed a new position, allow for those crucial three inches again;
>otherwise, you're a mummy for the rest of the night.

>NEVER SPREAD YOUR LEGS MORE THAN THREE INCHES!  A dog's favorite place
>to sleep is in the hollow created by legs too widely spread, and once
>settled, he and you are frozen into position until morning (There is a
>way out of this trap, but it is difficult to describe without slides.)
>Dogs who prefer to sleep on their backs MUST BE GIVEN SPACE THREE TIMES
>THE HEIGHT OF THE DOG AT THE SHOULDER.  Dogs who like pillows may be
>accommodated if you sleep on your side with the legs scissored so that
>each dog has an ankle for a chin rest.  Above all, BEWARE OF CURLING!
>When the curl is reversed, both dogs are dislocated, resulting in low
>growls on both sides of you.

>When you are ready to add a cat, position is all important.  All cats
>prefer to sleep in hollows, but NO CAT WILL SLEEP ON THE SAME SIDE AS A
>DOG.  Remember, you only have two sides.  YOU MUST THEREFORE BECOME A
>TRIANGLE!  Do this by assuming a horizontal diver's crouch, thereby
>creating not only three more-or-less exclusive sides but two hollows as
>well.  With one dog at your front, and the other against your back, the
>cat can curl into the hollow at the back of your bent knees, separated
>from both dogs.  All will then sleep soundly.

>This entire technique still needs a lot of refinement.  A method that
>deals with early morning scratching needs to be developed, and the
>problem of pretending to sleep while being closely scrutinized by various
>animals needs to be solved.